I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
