i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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