never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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