I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
