life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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