theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You can't special order awesome
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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