She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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