we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
