yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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