his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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