Cold hands, warm shart.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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