my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
