Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
