i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
