So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I am never drinking with the goths again.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
