you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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