I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
