your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
