i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
