Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
