??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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