Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
