Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Randomize
