i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
