I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
