No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
