im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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