Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Randomize