It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
