I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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