I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!