Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Drunk is not a location!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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