Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
