i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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