Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
