Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Let's get the cat blown out
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
