the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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