i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I think my moral compass just broke
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