I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
