We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The uberlube is also flammable
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
