You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
