Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
