I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
