did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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