Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
