Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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