I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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