i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
