I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
