I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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