During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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