how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
