JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
25 People Confess Their Favorite Way To Annoy Their Significant Other
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
These 21 Women Share What Sexual Harassment In The Military Is Really Like
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?