life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock