I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.