This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
